At Home with the Deacons

“Let deacons each be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own households well” (1Tim 3:12).

Meet the Deacon family. Dad is a hard-working dude with a ton of integrity. Despite putting in a full day on the job, he still saves his best for the fam. They’re not getting leftovers when it comes to his energy and attention. As a husband, he’s all in. As a dad, he’s fully involved. He has a strong grasp on the family calendar, commitments, and cash flow.

Paul tells Timothy that this is exactly the kind of guy you’re looking for to serve in the local church. “Let deacons each be the husband of one wife, managing their children and their own households well” (v12). Deacs are faithful husbands, loving fathers, and servant/leaders on the home front. 

You’re next deacon is probably not coming from a network sitcom. Primetime is loaded with an endless parade of knucklehead husbands and incompetent dads. You know who I’m talking about. George Bluth, Sr. on Frank Costanza of “Seinfeld” fame. And of course, everyone’s favorite punchline…Homer Simpson. Hilarious? No question about it. Deacon material? I don’t think so. Think Andy Taylor and Ward Cleaver.

Paul needs his protege to immediately address the leadership void in the Ephesian church. The apostle has been cleaning up the mess left by a team of false teachers. He’s already taken out some of the trash when he sent two of worst packing, a despicable duo known as Hymenaeus and Alexander (1Tim 1:20). Now that Paul is on mission in Macedonia, he’s appointed his spiritual son Timothy as the new pastor in Ephesus. Priority one is continuing the reforms already underway (1Tim 1:3-7). 

Once the bad leaders are out the door, Tim needs to find godly folks to fill those empty seats. Paul tells him to appoint men he calls overseers (1Tim 3:1-7). Elsewhere, authors of the NT tell call them elders and pastors. It should come as no surprise that these guys have clear vision. God calls these fellas to look out for the spiritual health of the flock. 

The apostle also tells Tim to find servants called deacons. As a matter of fact, the word we translate as “deacon” (Gr. diakonos) actually means “servant” (1Tim 3:8-10). This position is open to both godly men and women (1Tim 3:11). The role of deacon is not for the faint of heart. That’s why they must be people of great integrity and faithful followers of Jesus.

(A significant amount of the following material comes from a couple of other notes I wrote previously, “The 100% Husband” on 1 Timothy 3:2 and “A Family Man” on 1 Timothy 3:4-5. That only makes sense since Paul himself is doing the first century version of cut-and-paste when it comes to the qualities of both overseers and deacons.)

First of all, a deacon should “each be the husband of one wife” (v12). Look familiar? Well it should. Just up the page, the apostle included it as a key trait of an overseer. Digging a little deeper into the original Greek reveals a few interesting and important points. “The husband of one wife” (v2) we see in the ESV literally reads “one woman man.” “One” (Gr. heis, mia, hen) describes the one and only, the single one, a particular one. A deacon is to have one and only one lady in his life. Other than his relationship with Jesus, she’s the top priority in his life. He’s a 100% husband. 

Having a singular and devoted relationship also means we need to be careful with our friendships with the other sex. As followers of Jesus, men are to see woman as their treasured sisters, not targets. Men also need to be on high alert when it comes to sharing our hurts and hopes with women friends. Part of being a “one woman man” means you don’t have a so-called “work wife.” Stop chatting online with your old girlfriends on Facebook. And yeah, you need to trash that Tinder account. Stop trying to swing like Tiger Woods (and I’m NOT talking about on the golf course!). A deacon is totally devoted and a 100% husband.

The rest of the original language in this phrase, “woman” (Gr. gune, gunaikos) and “man” (Gr. aner, andros) emphasize gender and maturity. They describe males and females old enough to be married. Why is that important? Because this really has zip, zilch, zero to say about divorce and everything to do with moral and sexual purity. There are a lot of churches and denominations who take “the husband of one wife” (v2) to mean an overseer or deacon can’t be divorced. The only problem with that is the rest of this list is all about character qualities and integrity, not marital status. 

A deacon also is a guy who’s “managing their children and their own households well” (v12). “Managing” is the Greek verb proistemi, which literally means to place before or to set over something. It conveys putting yourself in a responsibility of leadership, guidance, and care. A deacon devotes himself to guard and provide protective accountability to life back home. To paraphrase the folks at UnderArmour, deacons must protect this house.

Let’s take a quick look at how Paul uses this word elsewhere to get a better idea of what he’s talking about. Just about every time it’s all about passion, commitment, loyalty, and devotion. Every person who follows Jesus must “devote (Gr. proistemi) themselves to good works” (Titus 3:8, 14). When running down a list of spiritual gifts, the apostle says “the one who leads (Gr. proistemi), with zeal” (Rom 12:8). 

Even for rock star pastors, elders, and deacons, the church NEVER takes priority over the family. Ever. At no point in the Bible does God ever ask a leader to sacrifice his family on the altar of the church. Your wife and kids are ALWAYS your number one ministry. Keep the home fires burning but make sure it never becomes a dumpster fire. If and when your marriage and family are spinning wildly out of control, it’s time for counseling not deacon meetings.  

But don’t think this is only limited to his wife and kids. The phrase about “managing…their own households well” (v12) clearly indicates a husband and father who’s completely plugged in to everything going on at home. Is he fully involved in the family finances. Does he expect his wife to bear the full brunt of running the household by herself while he plays golf or watches SportsCenter? Does he have a clue of what’s going on with the kids at school? 

You do know why Jesus is looking for deacons who are great husbands and fathers, don’t you? The reason should be obvious. If not, it’s found back in 1 Timothy 3:5. “For if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” (v5). Just as a husband and father is accountable for his marriage and family, an overseer is accountable for the church. No leadership at home equals no leadership at church.

It should come as no shock that Jesus gives us the perfect picture of what that looks like. But Christ was never married, you say. The Rabbi/Carpenter never hooked up with any lady during His 33 years on the earth because He already had a bride. His church. He was and is fully devoted to her. Paul tells the men of Ephesus that Jesus is our example of the perfect Husband (Eph 5:25-33). He loves her completely. He loves her sacrificially. He is the ultimate woman Man. Full devoted. Totally faithful. Spectacular spouse.

So a great deacon at church is a great husband at home. A great deacon at church is a great dad at home. They may make for a boring sitcom character but they’re just the kind of servant/leaders our Lord is looking for.